Tag Team 2017/2018

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Mon Oct 23, 2017 3:54 pm

Tag Team Jarrow March GW9 4th
123km ahead of The Bobbers lie the first of the leading pack. Yani and Timmsy dropped down from 3rd spot as they headed almost due south this week, but still managed to squeeze 88km out of their 108 score. They've packed up the remains of Baroness Bertha in doggy bags and headed into Oberursel so let's see what's there.

Oberursel definitely outshines Delbrück in the destruction stakes, it was destroyed three times during the thirty years war. Apparently soap box derbies were invented in Oberursel, probably as a means of preserving their houses, and the world championship takes place there every year.

The Oberursel webcam may update more than once every five minutes, but as it currently features two builders and no totty, I'll pass on that one.

Oh yeah, it's also got a refugee camp run by ex-stasi officers, so if you like Butlins you'll feel right at home.
Bingo! Miss Bikini Germany 2011 was held in Oberursel. :wave2:

Miss Brandenburg was a bit miffed
by yani's constant heckling


Meanwhile Timmsy had borrowed a stasi
uniform from the refugee camp and was
carrying out snap stubble checks

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby The Elkmaster » Mon Oct 23, 2017 6:34 pm

Yorkshire Exile wrote:Feets has been pre-occupied with taking hostages in his local bowling alley this weekend. :OFFS:


:OFFS: :Gun: :Gun: :Gun:

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Mon Oct 23, 2017 9:53 pm

Tag Team Jarrow March GW9 3rd
Luxembourg's human hostages were finally able to break free and resume their journey. Gameweek 9 finds our most southerly marchers, Talcy and Schlocky, in Kaiserslautern.

Home to two unis and a couple of lidos, Kaiserslautern looks promising for totty under 80.

Kaiserslautern have won the league four times and in 2006 their stadium was witness to the first world cup finals' goal by the land of Oz. Presumably Schlocky was aiming for this city to pay tribute at the Shrine of St Timothy of Millwall.
The Germans honoured the visit of the Australians one year later by opening the Hotel-Prison Alcatraz so their leftover antipodean bar staff would feel more at home. No prizes for guessing where at least one of our duo will be staying. fk it! The other's a Chelsea fan, get them both in there

Prisoner 18092 Talcy: World's worst smuggler
of exotic birds


The disguise didn't fool Schlocky -
Michael McIntyre was going to be his bitch

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Tue Oct 24, 2017 12:28 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW9 2nd
Sweep and Nuttie say goodbye to the wine witch's winking walnut and hello to Büdingen. They're now 8km behind the leaders and only 10km ahead of the cellmates, but second place is still theirs.

So who is Bud Ingen? Well he's actually a town. Not just that, but after Nuttie's misadventure last week, they've settled for a town in a "Wet and swampy valley". "Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose", as I frequently imagine a French au pair saying.

Walled town. 1576 Black Death. 1590 Great fire. 1632 Black Death (reprise). 1633-34 114 witches found. As a result, all native Büdingens can trace their lineage back to a feral hamster which somehow managed to survive all that. No famous coonts, although Albert Einstein did visit the castle museum incognito in 1952 (and who can blame him?).

In Germany witch news travels fast. The Büdingen
coven ambush Sweep and Nuttie on the road and
warn them to stay out of their pisspots


...but their disguises as a rug and a
fireside companion set worked almost as well,
and were a damn sight drier...until Nuttie
discovered the old hag had a bladder problem

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Tue Oct 24, 2017 2:15 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW9 1st
And that just leaves our egg-bound explorers to wrap things up for this week. Avit and Pottster had flown out of Idar-Oberstein's windows so fast that, by the time they reached Rodgau, they had doubled their lead to 8km.

Rodgau was formed in 1977 from five communities whose people just didn't fancy their relatives much any more. No town centre yet as the five communities are still merging. Opel test track, Rodgausee bathing lake and that's about it. OK, she's a gingar, but just be thankful I spared you the Loughborough coonts doing Happy yet again.

Famous resident: Nicole Brown Simpson - can't you just hear some of the locals saying, "Aye ah towd t' lass ahtbreedin wor dangerous"?

In Rodgau it is frowned upon to fart in
the marital bed


...which explains Helga's reaction when she
realised Avit was taking a shit






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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby Schlocky » Tue Oct 24, 2017 7:59 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: love this thread

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby Schlocky » Tue Oct 24, 2017 8:00 am

slarty wrote:
...which explains Helga's reaction when she
realised Avit was taking a shit




Avit you dirty coont :lol: ffs

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Tue Oct 24, 2017 11:48 am

When in Germany... :grin:

Haven't a clue what Pottster is pointing at, though my guess is that he's proud of his massive brown trout in the corner

As for the mime artist groping phantom tits :WTF:

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby Pottster » Tue Oct 24, 2017 1:42 pm

I'm looking forward to Romania now :albino:

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby timmsy » Tue Oct 24, 2017 5:31 pm

slarty wrote:When in Germany... :grin:

Haven't a clue what Pottster is pointing at, though my guess is that he's proud of his massive brown trout in the corner

As for the mime artist groping phantom tits :WTF:


:titter:

Why is schlocky there?

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Wed Oct 25, 2017 2:19 am

The painting's that awful, that's who I thought it was at first, but schlocky's moobs are bigger than that.

Given the country, a bit of thrush, genital warts, and some casual racism, it could be that the evil maitre d' has asked avit if he wanted to taste the famous Black Forest Gateau.

:hmmm:

...or it could be the mythical German creature, Biggefud

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Tue Oct 31, 2017 5:18 am

Tag Team Classic GW10
A low-scoring week saw the the leaders affected more than most - two of the three lowest scores came from last week's top four teams.

First amongst those cocked-up contenders were The Ringmasters, Crompton and Rinky, who appear to have taken towelling each other off to extremes. They only just managed to stagger out of their corner to hit a season's low total of 56. It was enough to keep them in the lead with a total of 1027, but six teams gained on them.

Only two of the six grappling gainers will worry The Ringmasters though and first up of those are The Pigeon Bobbers, who got the second highest total this week. Their 78 takes them to ten points behind The Ringmasters, slashing their lead by 22 points. Is there a takedown in prospect for our towelled-up leaders, or is there enough roughness behind all that fabric softener to see off this threat?

In third spot again we have Yani and Timmsy. Their 73pts saw them gain on the leaders, but lose ground on second spot. There's not much in it though as they're only 23pts off the lead.

No more teams have knocked out four figure totals and only three others are within 100pts of the lead:
On 983 we have Talcy and Schlocky whose 55 was the second lowest total for the week
Twenty points behind them lie Sweep and Nuttie who hit a respectable 71
In danger of falling back into the rank anonymity of the grannies' laps are Clammers and Feets who could only manage a below-average 60 this week for a total of 946.

Special mentions this week go to:
Mintman and Weeman, who high-scored for the first time since GW1 with a thoroughly respectable 92
Avit, who was only one point away from equalling Talcy's season low of 18pts

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Tue Oct 31, 2017 8:07 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW10
A pretty awful sense of direction seems to have pervaded our marchers this week with all but one of the non high-scorers heading somewhere between East and Northeast. As a result, distance gains were low and there was a fair bit of reshuffling going on at both ends (Ooh err missus).
One trailing team only managed to get 9km closer to Athens, but this was surpassed souspassed by a pair from the leading pack who gained 8km - a record low for a non high-scorer. Fortunately for them no one was able to take full advantage of their drunken map-reading.
The field is still split in two with only 38km between the top four and 82km separating 5th from 9th.

Clammers ought to have known better than to trust
this particular German pony's sense of direction

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Tue Oct 31, 2017 2:44 pm

Tag Team Jarrow March GW10 9th - 2010km
Mintman and Weeman had a good go at escaping from their sixth place no-mans-land last week, but it seems that was only a warm-up exercise. This week saw the high-scorers leave their cave at Ennepetal and head 50km back towards the Dutch border, coming to a halt just short of it at Heinsberg.

Heinsberg is so well known that google translate has had to be used to obtain the following facts about the town:
From 1934 to 1944 at least 239 people were forcibly sterilised for being in possession of a welsh name and under Reichstandarten height. Now you may well wonder why weeman would be interested in visiting such a place, but a clue might be found in the German for "under height", "unter Höhe".
In 1944 the RAF (der Flügenkoonts) dropped over 1000 tons of bombs on Heinsberg in an early attempt at environmental improvement.
However the town's main claim to fame is the invention of an eggnog or eierlikör in 1876, so again a mistranslation may have prompted our duo's visit.

The entertainment-starved locals mistook
our duo for Peters & Lee and immediately
thrust them on stage without any time to
remove their map-reading glasses


Mintman in happier times, shortly before the
withdrawal of his grant to study Polar Bears...


... isn't irony wonderful?

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Tue Oct 31, 2017 5:58 pm

Tag Team Jarrow March GW10 8th - 1959km
And so on to the first of three teams to benefit from the wayward wanderings of the above. Crompton and Rinky have ridden the last queef out of Meerbusch and ended their week in Hagen.

Let's see:
41st largest city in Germany built on steel and coal. Scene of fighting by the Ruhr Red Army in 1920, mainly amongst themselves due to disagreements over the lack of KitKats at the workers' committee meeting.

Birthplace of Nena , whose unshaven armpits and 99 Luftballons (literally 99 blunt razors) took the world by storm in 1983/4, and Henning Wehn, whose unshaven armpits have yet to cause a similar stooshie.

I've saved the best for last though, Hagen has a cave...no, no, hang on...it's called the Blatterhöhle, perhaps the finest example of German humour known to man.

The 1920 Workers' Committee introduced
radical new penis enlargement techniques
for its members


Rinky (crossdressing) and Crompton (post-enlargement)
stop to take the piss out of Mintman

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby Yorkshire Exile » Tue Oct 31, 2017 6:58 pm

:WTF:

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Tue Oct 31, 2017 7:41 pm

Tag Team Jarrow March GW10 7th - 1949km
Freshly awakened by their Teutonic alarm call, Slarty and Viddleodge found a clear path out of Eschweiler and strolled 34km closer to Athens, with only 100,000 flies for company. They've ended their week in Bergisch Gladbach, just outside Cologne, which they certainly need.

Twinned with Luton, birthplace of Heidi Klum and Mats Hummels, and that's yer whack for Bergisch Gladbach. So what's it to be, Bergisch Gladbach, Lorraine Chase, Heidi Klum or Mats Hummels? Nae luck

Bergisch Gladbach is pretty unique among the German towns visited so far in that it didn't suffer from the Black Death or burn down in medieval times. Sceptics argue that the reason for these escapes is that the town wasn't founded until 1856, but Slarty and Vid believe that it was worship of the local scheisse deity, Turdenpantz, which prevented the locals suffering these twin calamities. "If everyone dies of cholera before they can strike a match or succumb to black death then its fairly obvious Turdenpantz is a mighty god and well worth following on Twitter", goes their argument.

Slarty and Vid caught mid-miracle
whilst worshipping at the porcelain
parish of Turdenpantz


Two local scheisse matrons
interrupt their shitting duties
to take the piss out of Mintman

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Tue Oct 31, 2017 10:08 pm

Tag Team Jarrow March GW10 6th - 1942km
And so we reach the final beneficiaries of Mintman and Weeman's gameweek - Clammers and Feets have reconciled after last week and left Bad Oeynhausen skipping, hand-in-hand. Unfortunately skipping is not the most efficient form of travel and the pair only got 20km closer to Athens before collapsing at Seelze. :shock: Just far enough for them to hang on to their northernmost team title and no more.

Nothing to do with Heidi Klum's ex, Seelze is a town in Lower Saxony with a population of 33,000, so this is gonna be good.

Yep, when the local museum features History of the Marshalling Yard, a shoemaker's workshop from 1930, hairdresser's shop from 1920 and a living room from 1900 you know you're in Crewe going to have to make up some shit.

The town of Seelze invented hair perms in 1920 when Pediculus von Capitis set up his delousing emporium right next to the local marshalling yard. One of his first customers was hanging her hair out of the window to dry the delousing lotion, when a gust of wind caught it and entangled it in the passing wheels of Tomas der Tankenengine. By the time her hair was freed, the lotion had set and she had a beautiful head of curls and axle grease. It's just a pity the curly-haired head wasn't still attached to her body.

After last week's beer incident, Feets tries to get
revenge on an exhausted Clammers by stimulating
the prostate of a local


Clammers (left) and Feets (right)
call a truce to take the piss out of Mintman

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby Yorkshire Exile » Tue Oct 31, 2017 10:20 pm

You have missed your calling.

I was literally pissing myself at Thomas der tankenengine.













Ps it was your parole officer..... he wanted to check if you are still taking the pills

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Tue Oct 31, 2017 11:36 pm

Parole officer? Oh shit!

*erases all mention of Pied Pipers and Jimmy Saville from next result*

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Wed Nov 01, 2017 12:21 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW10 5th - 1928km
Stockholm may be a bit beyond them, but Sheffy and Yorkie seem to be having some sort of private race to Berlin with Clammers and Feets. Mind you, "race" may be stretching things a bit as The Pigeon Bobbers are the team from the trailing group who only managed to get 9km closer to Athens this week. They've packed up their quivers, left Delbrück behind, and marched into Hamelin. I only hope they appreciate pipers wind instrumentalists as much as I do.

Hamelin My Eyes!:
Population 56,000. Lower Saxony. Town by 12th century. Swedish army won a battle there in 1634, but that's about as close as The Bobbers are likely to get to Stockholm.
Four forts were built between 1760 and 1806 making it the most heavily fortified town in the region. Two years later, the town surrendered to Napoleon without a fight and all four were torn down. :lol:
Twinned with Torbay which surrendered to tourists with only a few scuffles.
Home to nobody famous unless you're into Peter the Wild Boy.

Sheffy and Yorkie enter Hamelin with
hope in their hearts...


...but still manage to see the funny side
after being obliged to change clothes as
a condition of their bail

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Wed Nov 01, 2017 7:46 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW10 4th - 1776km
And so we reach the first of our leading pack with fourth to second in almost ideal positions to advance on Athens. First up we have Talcy and Schlocky, slipping down one place. Not satisfied with their low score, they only used half of it to travel towards Athens by travelling in an easterly direction. They've left the Shrine of St Timothy behind and headed out to Lampertheim in search of new cells.

Pop. 32,000. Museum in an old house. Has an annual walking event a week before its Asparagus Festival. Sounds like the Ibiza of the North, eh? It's not quite as bad as it seems
Transmitters for Radio Free Europe with US troops shooting in the nearby woods (and you're probably also correct if you misread "shooting"). Only 35 views for that classic Youtube? :lol:

Schlocky, seconds before his arrest, at Lampertheim's
annual, "Find the Asparagus" competition


Three locals, shortly after Talcy's arrest at Lampertheim's
annual, "Hide the Asparagus" competition

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Wed Nov 01, 2017 9:26 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW10 3rd - 1773km
Down from first place we have those rectally retentive rovers, Avit and Pottster. This week they've broken the record for the shortest distance in the right direction with an astounding 8km gain. However they're still nicely positioned to threaten the leaders. They've fled from Rodgau's draconian dumping laws and sought sanctuary in Bensheim.

Pop. 39,000. Partially destroyed in 1301, 1822, 1945 and probably this week. Vintner's festival in September, Citizen's festival in summer.

Weird Byelaw: In May of each year all Bensheim schoolies must prove they don't have tongue studs

Culinary speciality: "Onion cake à la woman from Bensheim", which makes a bit more sense for its local speciality than, "Onion cake à la woman from Milton Keynes". Oh yeah, the woman in question is said to have led Bavarian troops into the town by a secret route in 1644. Presumably the occupying French and Swedish troops didn't smell her onion cakes due to the aroma of garlic and rotted fish.

Female visitors to Bensheim are warned that toilet
facilities may be more basic than those back home


"Sorry Fraulein. No time for onion cakes just now.
I'm touching loincloth here", said Pottster

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Wed Nov 01, 2017 10:48 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW10 2nd - 1760km
Three weeks ago Yani and Timmsy were the second most northerly team, now they are the southernmost. This week they've travelled almost due south (again) from Oberursel to Weinheim (Loughborough warning - if you prefer better dressed totty, try this).

Pop. 45,000. Nickname is Zwei-Burgen-Stadt (Two-Castle-City), so presumably Yani is visiting just to mock their shortage of knightly accommodation and rub salt in their ramparts.
Dates from 755AD, but they aren't very edible.
High-jump gala in February. Coming of summer festival in March. June-August:Summer of Culture. June: Barn Party. October:Vintners' festival. They do like their piss-ups here.
Two famous Benders amongst its notables, but I haven't heard of either Friedrich August or Karl Friedrich. Some NY Giants player called Markus Kuhn was born there and that about wraps it up for Weinheim.

Yani wasn't falling for that devious
rent boy trick again - three times
was quite enough for one week...


...but little did he know what fate had in store for him

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Wed Nov 01, 2017 12:15 pm

Tag Team Jarrow March GW10 1st - 1738km
That just leaves the northern outcast from the leading group. Yes it's Nuttie and his cock-stonking sidekick, Sweep, who lead the field this week. The witchfinders and masters of disguise got the best direction for the week and were able to convert 77% of their score into nearing Athens. They've waved a sad goodbye to the bare-arsed witches of Büdingen and sped southeast to Bad Kissengen in search of Bavarian special brews.

Pop. 22,000. First documented 801AD. Spa town, fashionable resort in the 19th century. Home of the German-Chinese football academy.
Kissinger Piano Olympics are held here every autumn - high jump record is an incredible 20mm.
Ecuadorian team stayed there during 2006 world cup
Famous people:Henry Kissinger's great great grandfather :doh:
No mention of witches - this might be a problem. Then again...

"Give the pisspot a good check girls.
I hear that bastard Nuttie is in town"


Given the lack of witches, Sweep had to
get cock-stonkingly creative



GW10 Scores

GW10 Map

Shortest route from Antwerp to Athens

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Wed Nov 08, 2017 4:54 pm

And it came to pass that the Lord didst come down unto slarty on the night before the sabbath, and sayeth unto him, "Thy posts are shite and thou didst not picketh Jesus in Clammers' comp this week. Thou art banished from the holy web until the day cometh when Liverpool shall winneth again the Holy League of St George". And the Lord cast down the Holy Thunderbolt from his deity drone and didst smite slarty's modem until it connecteth no more.

After much wailing and gnashing of gums, for he cometh from the land of the Jockites, slarty selleth his soul and last-born molar unto damnation and crieth out to be blessed with the Virginites' new Mephistopheles Modem 3000. Four days passeth and behold, a red-clad servant of the devil didst appear unto him in the wilderness of Android and sayeth, "Here art thy keys to all that is evil and perverse" and granteth him Australian citizenship, a seat in Beelzebub's box at Old Trafford, and a Mephistopheles Modem 3000. :thumb1:


Tag Team Classic GW11
Say what you like about Crompton and Rinky, but if they feel their place in the ring is under threat, they certainly pull out all the buttpl...err stops to see off their rivals. They've only gone and high-scored for the first time since GW4 and were the sole team to reach a three-figure total. Their 101pts took them to a season's total of 1128 and increased their lead over second-place by 22pts. :Trumpet:

In that second spot we have the Pigeon Bobbers, grimly holding onto the ropes with the second-lowest score of the week. Their 79pts sees them finish on 1096.

Hanging on even more grimly are Yani and Timmsy, who undercut the Bobbers with a gameweek low of 61 to give them a total of 1065. All in all, a very good week for Crompton and Rinky.

Just two points behind third lie Schlocky and Talcy. The latter appears to have supped from Mintman's spit-bucket as two consecutive scores in the 20s will breathalise to. A post-bout urine test is certainly called for here. Better make that two urine tests, as Schlocky hit the highest individual score of the week - 57pts. :clap2:

Eighteen points further back on 1045 are Sweep and Nuttie, whose 82 was just below average for the week. Another team hitting 82 this week were Clammers and Feets, 17pts off that magical fifth spot.
Getting a mention purely for being the last team above 1000pts are slarty and Viddleodge, whose 87 was mainly down to Vid's 55pt haul.
In eighth place, Avit and Pottster must be fairly confident of bursting through the 1000 barrier next gameweek, as they're only 14pts away from it.

Finally we come to ninth-placed Mintman and Weeman who were only two points off of the week's high score. Mintman gets the special mention this week for two consecutive scores above 30 for the first time this season. :wave2:
Green shoots or chickweed? Who cares? Any more shocks like that and you'll be buying your pish from the internet Minty :lol:

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Wed Nov 08, 2017 7:36 pm

Tag Team Jarrow March GW11
Not a lot of reshuffling this week, with just one change amongst the leaders. Three teams hit very good directions, but only one of those was in the leading pack of four.

The big story...well ok, just ahead of "and finally...", is that Ramblers Group North have been joined in the race to Berlin by Crompton and Rinky.

Rinky finds the North German Helgas very knowledgeable
about frostbite prevention techniques


...meanwhile amusing tales circulate amongst the
local kinder about Crompton's anvil enlargement

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Wed Nov 08, 2017 9:53 pm

Tag Team Jarrow March GW11 9th - 1965km
A poor sense of direction sees Mintman and Weeman gain only about half of their possible distance towards Athens. On a brighter note, if they keep this pace and direction up, they might arrive at the capital in nice time to catch the final showing of The Bobbers' documentary, Boots to Berlin - Segs, Ties and Soles of Crepe.

Moving swiftly on, this week they've travelled northeast from the Dutch border to arrive in the town of Wetter in the Ruhr - another fine example of German humour.

Pop: 27,000. Town first mentioned 1214 in relation to Castle Wetter, home of the incontinent knights, Bruno and Friedrich. That's about it for Wetter. Oh yeah, there's Wetter totty :horse2:

Bruno von Bladder's armour is on show
at Castle Wetter museum


Friedrich in habitual battle pose

Weeman shortly before discovering
that wearing a map-reading mask
two weeks running is worse for the
hands than leprosy

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Thu Nov 09, 2017 9:43 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW11 8th - 1945km
So we come to the latest addition in the race to avoid moussaka, ouzo and yet another playing of you know what. Crompton and Rinky high-scored and ended up with the smallest gain of the week - 14km.

They've waved farewell to Nina's armpits and headed northeast to the town of Schloß Holte-Stukenbrock, thus becoming the only team this week to gain more letters than kilometres.

Schloß Holte-Stukenbrock is famous for having a two-sentence wikipedia entry, which is quite good going for an 850yo town of 27,000. There is however a reason for all the secrecy surrounding this town, apparently it is where yani stores his nightmares.

In medieval times, Schloß Holte-Stukenbrock's
redhead ghetto became famous for the manufacture
of Fraujöyen playware (resulting in the archetypal
sound of the Valkyrie)


The colder climes of North Germany force
Crompton to book a much-needed booster
course at Schloß Holte-Stukenbrock's anvil

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby Schlocky » Thu Nov 09, 2017 1:00 pm

Opa

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Thu Nov 09, 2017 9:58 pm

Tag Team Jarrow March GW11 7th - 1870km
First up of the three teams able to use a compass this week are Slarty and Viddleodge who gained 79km out of a possible 87. The Scheissemeisters have left the temple of Turdenpantz and headed southeast to the dunnies of Dillenburg, though quite how the locals foretold of Vid's visit 80 years in advance with "Ausschitte" remains a mystery.

Pop.:23,500 One early entrepreneur talked the local lord, Baron von Fükkwitt, into building a castle from wood. Strangely enough, no trace remains of this structure despite all potential assailants being reduced to helpless fits of giggling.
The town was built on mining and steel with a railway centre on the Dill Line (not to be confused with the Colombian version of The Herbs). Dillenburg has a webcam, but you'll need very good eyesight to spot any totty.

Mudpackless and desparate, Slarty (left) and Vid
explore the local legend that tweaking a maiden's
nipples can result in explosive diarrhoea...


...Vid was delighted with the result, but puzzled as
to how she had managed to swallow that hat whole

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Fri Nov 10, 2017 12:33 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW11 6th - 1866km
Next up we have the second team able to fluke the use of a compass, Clammers and Feets. They gained 76km out of a possible 82, enabling them to hang on to sixth place, but in doing so they've had to sacrifice their northernmost team status as well as their lead in the race to Berlin. This week they've ended up in Northeim, Lower Saxony.

Pop.: 29,000. First mentioned in 800AD, Northeim was a relative latecomer to the medieval fad of being burnt down. It took over 1000 years before the first devastating fire in 1832, but just like buses, another came along 60 years later. Home to those German favourites, a railway junction, puppet theatre and recreational lake, there's not much else to say about Northeim apart from it having the only indoor 50m pool in Northeim.

Clammers and Feets put on a united front
again, despite a major disagreement over
appropriate clothing for Northeim's climate


...though apparently Clammers was even less happy
six hours later, during their stagger back to the hotel,
when she realised Feets had left his coat in the pub

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Fri Nov 10, 2017 4:15 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW11 5th - 1864km
Freshly reinstated as our northernmost wanderers, The Pigeon Bobbers also managed to hold on to their fifth place by 2km. They're in pole position to advance on Berlin, but may need a highest score in the next week or two if they don't want to substitute Prague as a more realistic target. This week they've came to a halt near the boundary of Lower Saxony, at the town of Goslar.

The old town of Goslar, the nearby mines of Rammelsberg and the multicoloured totty are world heritage sites, two of which might explain the English website. Patrick Moore often used the observatory in the nearby Harz mountains and twice reported psychedelic star clusters during Holi Festival.

Pop.: 50,000. First mentioned 979AD. Fought over multiple times because of the mines, The Bobbers remain hot on the trail of 17th Century Swedish armies and their hardcore gentlemens' parchments. William Wordsworth stayed there in 1798, but his Ode to Rotted Fish was lost forever during the great Rizla shortage of 1802. Twinned with Windsor, so it's probably overdue a fire.

Though it fooled the Goslar Astronomy Club,
Sheffy clearly has a bit more work to do on his
Patrick Moore impression before returning home


At least Yorkie got the monocle in
the right eye, though his bowtie
positioning could be improved

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Fri Nov 10, 2017 2:14 pm

Tag Team Jarrow March GW11 4th - 1737km
After last week's 8km gain by Avit and Pottster, this week's 36km must be considered an improvement, but out of a possible 81, it isn't great and sees them slide down one place. Our Imodium addicted duo have travelled SSE and almost crossed into France, which would have kept me listening to youtube accents until sexual exhaustion set in. Sadly it was not to be and they've ended up in Karlsruhe.

Pop.: 308,000. Karlsruhe was founded in 1715 and is unusual in that it was designed as a bicycle wheel with 32 streets radiating out like spokes from a central palace. Unfortunately for the residents, the bicycle had yet to be invented, so the spokes and people were soon as covered in horseshit as in every other city in Europe.

Having missed out on the traditional destruction by medieval fire due to its late construction, the palace was destroyed by bombing in 1945, but later rebuilt. A map of Karlsruhe was one of 12 passed on to the US by Thomas Jefferson when Washington was being planned, and it has a similar layout based around the Capitol (although the words, "Bomb here" have been removed from Washington maps).

"Enough of this shit. Tell us about the fitba and totty, and don't dare mention the European Juggling Conventions its hosted", I hear you cry. OK then Karslruhe is twinned with Nottingham, but Karlsruhe are more County than Forest. They've won the league once, in 1909, and currently strut their stuff in Division 3 after being relegated again last season.

Totty does exist in this city and it is considered polite to fondle the frauleins in the palace grounds, rather than greet them with a handshake.

Karlsruhe Charity appeal: Only 23 views? That's less than that Radio Free Europe one. Please give generously with your clicks and help clothe these poor frauleins folks

Pottster's obsessive chat-up line led
to at least ten suicides in Karlsruhe
over the International Break


Avit's chat-up lines worked well with
the local Frauleins, but reaching
first base was where it all fell apart

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Fri Nov 10, 2017 4:52 pm

Tag Team Jarrow March GW11 3rd - 1732km
Taking advantage of Avit and Pottster's lowly 36km gain were Talcy and Schlocky who moved up one place despite their late release on asparagus-related charges. This week our convicts have taken a 44km constitutional and strolled into Wertheim am Main (not to be confused with Wertheim am Battery).

OK let's see what they're likely to get arrested for this week:
Pop': 23,000. Funky castle and uncharred medieval town centre. Founded 7-8th century, nowt has happened there since. Summer festival, medieval festival and their own Oktoberfest called, appropriately enough, the Wertheimer Messe. Twinned with Huntingdon :doh: and Godmanchester :doh: , this is going to be a barrel of fun. I may even lock up these two coonts myself just for bringing me here. :tantrum:

:lol: Just to reinforce the Cambridgeshire connection, the locals burnt out a refugee shelter before it could open.

*sighs* When the tourist video starts on about a mural containing, "One of the earliest depictions of a potato", you just know it's time to give up.
Here have a 16 views vid of imported totty, thunderthighs and a fanny pelmet, while I go dig out pics of naked men as revenge.

Well, that's Talcy dealt with...
Spoiler:
"Oh my dearest Helga" said Talcy, "Nothing could
spoil the sweetness of this moment with you. Not
even if I were about to be buggered by a gorilla"


Five seconds later the convicted bird smuggler
could add Albatrosses to the stock lines


...and that's Schlocky back behind bars until next gameweek for...
Spoiler:
...force-dressing Frauleins in fishnets


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