Tag Team 2017/2018

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby Yorkshire Exile » Thu Oct 05, 2017 7:59 pm

:OFFS:

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slarty
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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Fri Oct 06, 2017 12:14 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW7 5th
Down from last week's third spot go Clammers and Feets who end the week in the German city of Wuppertal. Wuppertal took a page out of the Arnhem book in 1950 when the city was overrun by a circus elephant stealing beer from the mouths of the local, unemployable pachyderms. Instead of throwing Tuffi out of a plane, Wuppertal used its unique suspended monorail and dumped her in the river (no fish were injured in this re-enactment).
Wuppertal was also home to Friedrich Engels and Pina Bausch who co-authored The Communist Manifesto for Interpretive Dance.

The theory that Tuffi was startled by Clammers'
cheek-flapper has never been disproved...


...and the Pina Bausch troupe were taking no chances
this week at the opening of The Prancing Proletariat

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Fri Oct 06, 2017 11:00 pm

Tag Team Jarrow March GW7 4th
Creeping up one place, despite maintaining their north German route, are Yani and Timmsy. This week they've ended up in Hamm, and not for the first time according to an irate Bournemouth Children's Farm spokesperson.
Hamm also has elephants, but this time they're on its streets (mainly because it hasn't found a spectacular enough way of dumping them in the river). As you've probably guessed, there's little of interest about Hamm, unless you remember Horst Hrubesch fondly.

Yani in comtemplative mood, shortly before his arrest

Token Totty Time
aka Timmsy discovers his living statue act can have unexpected side benefits

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Sat Oct 07, 2017 6:28 pm

Tag Team Jarrow March GW7 3rd
The front three are almost in a straight line with the leader being only 7km ahead of third-placed Talcy and Schlocky. If points were given for ending up in the San Marinos of the world, Talcy and Schlocky would get fk all as they've finished the week in Differdange, Luxembourg.
Let's see - steel town, pop. 25,000. Yep this is going to be exciting. Maybe there's some hope for chubby-chasers with the castle being an outpost of Miami Uni. Nope. When the tourist attractions feature a 1.5km train ride in an unlit tunnel you know its time to move on.

Talcy taking advantage of a comatose tourist on
the train of tedium


...and being advised to check with the lost
anatomy office the next day at the local pool

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Sun Oct 08, 2017 3:16 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW7 2nd
Sweep and Nuttie are the northernmost of our leading trio, stopping this week in Bad Neuenahr-Ahrweiler as they were missing the similar mouthful of Bad Alexander-Arnold. Apparently it's a renowned spa town so let's hope for some Badehaus bikini burgers...
...
...aw ffs Bad Neuenahr-Ahrweiler has been invaded by Loughborough students. NB Yani, the gingar in the bikini is at 2:01

After landing what they thought were dream jobs,
Sweep (Souness moustache) and Nuttie (Souness moustache)
only lasted two hours at the spa before opting for unemployment again


...fortunately for them, the local DSS staff awaiting their arrival are a friendly bunch
Spoiler:
Image
OK Who called me a coont? :tantrum:
I can wait all day you know

Very well. Here's your Token Totty

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Sun Oct 08, 2017 5:59 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW7 1st
And all of that means last week's joint leaders, Avit and Pottster, now have the lead spot to themselves. "I do hope they're in a spa town", I hear you say. Well they're in the city of Bitburg, so that's not a good start, but let's find out.
Nae luck! Bitburg is home to Germany's third best selling beer, a US airbase and nothing much else. One of the few other things of note is a cultural centre hosting the paintings of Fritz von Wille - I kid you not. It also gets a mention in Bonzo Goes to Bitburg by the little-known American beat combo, The Ramones.

Avit shortly before the worst night of his life

Two local doctors were in attendance at Pottsy's
first shit since Jarrow





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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby Schlocky » Sun Oct 08, 2017 8:01 am

slarty wrote:Tag Team Jarrow March GW7 1st
Avit shortly before the worst night of his life


are you sure that's not shrews or gravesy?

hmmmmm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Olc8rlvQ4GI

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Mon Oct 09, 2017 4:18 pm

"I took her doggy
and I gave her a spank
that's when I think I dislodged
her oxygen tank"
:lol: :agree1:

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby Pottster » Mon Oct 09, 2017 10:19 pm

slarty wrote:Tag Team Jarrow March GW7 1st
And all of that means last week's joint leaders, Avit and Pottster, now have the lead spot to themselves. "I do hope they're in a spa town", I hear you say. Well they're in the city of Bitburg, so that's not a good start, but let's find out.
Nae luck! Bitburg is home to Germany's third best selling beer, a US airbase and nothing much else. One of the few other things of note is a cultural centre hosting the paintings of Fritz von Wille - I kid you not. It also gets a mention in Bonzo Goes to Bitburg by the little-known American beat combo, The Ramones.

Avit shortly before the worst night of his life

Two local doctors were in attendance at Pottsy's
first shit since Jarrow







The introduction to Germany of modern refrigeration by Carl von Linde in the late 19th century eliminated the need for caves for beer storage, enabling the brewing of bottom-fermenting beer in many new locations, light straw to golden color with more bitter or earthy taste, Das ist gut ja?

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Wed Oct 11, 2017 6:25 pm


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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby viddleodge » Sat Oct 14, 2017 5:56 am

slarty wrote:
Avit shortly before the worst night of his life

Two local doctors were in attendance at Pottsy's
first shit since Jarrow




:lol:

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Sun Oct 15, 2017 7:41 pm


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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby Schlocky » Mon Oct 16, 2017 7:19 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

i don't condone hitting women but that is funny shit

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Tue Oct 17, 2017 4:01 am

Tag Team Classic GW8
Crompton and Rinky manage to retain their title of Ringmasters Supreme despite hitting their lowest score of the season. After hitting only their second two digit score last week, they had delusions of busdeur and followed up with a Number 63 for a total of 826.

Sneaking up another place into second we have Yani and Timmsy whose 76 leaves them just three points behind the Ringmasters.

This week's high-scorers, for the third time in eight weeks, were Sheffy and Yorkie with 80pts. Their reward was a rise of one place into third, just four points away from top spot.

The only other team to have scored above 800 for the season are last week's second, Talcy and Schlocky. Their woeful total of 47 leaves them on 808, just 17 points ahead of the only other team in contention at the moment, Sweep and Nuttie on 791.

GW8 was a record-breaking week for all the wrong reasons. No less than three teams managed to better worser Sweep and Nuttie's GW2 score of 58. Take a bow Clammers/Feets, Slarty/Viddleodge and of course, Talcy/Schlocky.

This week's special mention goes to Talcy who easily didn't beat yani's GW3 score of 22. Talcy's 18 points sets a new standard for all crap contestants to aim at and may well prove unbeatable without months of altitude training down a South African gold mine or catabolic postponements. :salute2:

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Tue Oct 17, 2017 8:11 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW8 8th
I'm beginning to think that there's a bit of boot-swapping going on between these two teams. In joint 8th again we have Slarty/Vid and Crompton/Rinky. Despite the latter pair scoring 13pts more, it just wasn't enough to escape the orbit of Vid's socks.
Following the well-worn path out of Antwerp, both teams have ended the week amongst the bare-arsed, pavement-humping students of Leuven - all together now, "Wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh...."

The fearful foursome after telling the woman in pink
they were washing their hair that night


Token Totty Time
Two Belgians call for the banning of photoshop

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Tue Oct 17, 2017 9:52 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW8 7th
Just four more points would have seen The Pigeon Bobbers high score land them in Amsterdam. Fortunately for them, they were able to get back on course for Athens...Athens, Sweden that is. They're now only 27km ahead of the world's worst marchers never involved in landmine clearance.
Sheffy and Yorkie have left the Poles of Arnhem behind and crossed the German border into Gronau where Unspellable Radwanska grew up after her father was given a cargo parachute for the Arnhem drop. Say what you like about it, but Gronau certainly knows how to party.
The only other claim to fame of Gronau is its Scorpions Rock'n'Pop Museum - The Beatles and a panty-wetter in one place, yani must be kicking himself.

Sheffy's Prayer: Oh most bountiful Lord who art in heaven,
grant me this day a team-mate who can read a fking map


Yorkie, trying to explain that he had no idea about
the Rock and Pop Museum's "No trainers" policy

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:47 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW8 6th
Mintman and Weeman are currently stranded in a sixth place no-man's-land. No team is within 50km of them in either direction. They've moved on from the fleshpots of Maastricht and crossed the border into Germany, finishing up at the town of Düren.
I've a feeling that weeman is on some sort of pilgrimage here as a frequent visitor to Düren in the 8th Century was the father of Charlemagne, Pippin the Short (yeah, really).
The birthplace of famous francophile, Harald Schumacher, Düren was almost completely destroyed during WW2 so if you like 1950s council estates, this is probably the place for you.

Minty and weeman help re-enact Pippin the Short's
Thriller woodcarving


Düren Art Gallery: The Conception of Charlemagne

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Tue Oct 17, 2017 9:42 pm

Tag Team Jarrow March GW8 5th
Another team maintaining their position are Clammers and Feets. They've left the plunging pachyderms of Wuppertal behind and ended their week in Olpe
:roll: ...errr sorry about that. OK Olpe, let's see... Yeah, in 2015 Olpe won the world's most boring flashmob ever title, and the only other claim to fame is that it has a large reservoir called the Biggesee.
No it''s not so that easily understandable to linguistically challenged tourists. It's because the locals believe that the terrain was formed after Christopher Biggins was cast down to earth by the Gods following a drunken performance as Widow Twankey in the annual paradise panto.
Yep, Olpe might as well be in Cambridgeshire.

Poor Clammers has been driven to insanity just trying to stay awake at the Biggesee

After Chapel St Leonards, Feets knows all the best
ways to relieve tedium


Clammers had noticed the locals were a bit more
direct than back home, but "Fück me! Get that trimmed"
still took her by surprise

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Wed Oct 18, 2017 12:04 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW8 4th
At last we have movement in the positions. :wave2: Two points more would have seen Talcy and Schlocky reach the French city of Metz and hold on to third spot, but it was not to be. Their record low of 47km produced only four reachable places, and two of those would have sent them backwards. Yep, they couldn't even get out of Luxembourg. :lol:
They've moved a massive 11km towards Athens by strolling from Differdange to Luxembourg City (rassin frassin Loughborough students again).
Luxembourg's only famous resident appears to be General George "Pink Panties" Patton and he's been rather withdrawn recently. Never mind it being home to the European Court of Justice, the European Commission, and a source of cheap baccy, Luxembourg's outstanding service to humanity is hosting The Eurovision Song Contest on four occasions (and yes, that link IS what you expect).

Schlocky has a quiet word with Talcy about his
gameweek score


Token Totty Time
Brought to you by Luxembourg Online Dating

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Wed Oct 18, 2017 1:28 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW8 3rd
Despite taking a more northerly heading than they would have liked, Yani and Timmsy were able to move up another place for the second consecutive week. They now find themselves 4km ahead of Luxembourg's favourite tourists, having travelled from Hamm to weeman's next target, Schmallenberg. Let's see what joys they're experiencing through the round window.
Oh yani's going to love this, Schmallenberg has given its name to the Schmallenberg virus which affects, "Cattle, sheep, goats, and possibly alpaca". Looks like another night in the cells might be awaiting our esteemed farmyardophile.
Better still it's a climatic health resort, so we might be in for a bit of consumptive totty - well done lads, I love that goth look. Nothing much else to add to that, no famous people, but it does boast that ultimate tourist trap, a slate mining museum.

Phwoar!

Yani and Timmsy helpfully give Baroness Bertha
von Tuberkular a push start down a 1:3 gradient...


..."Oh well. No point in letting good food go to waste.
Breast or leg old chap?"

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Wed Oct 18, 2017 5:13 am

:hmmm: hmm I think that's yani been a tranny, pigfucker and cannibal, all in the past three weeks...movin' swiftly on

Tag Team Jarrow March GW8 2nd
Sweep and Nuttie managed to close last week's 6km gap to the leaders, but only by 2km. Gameweek 8 sees them settling down in Oberwesel, near Frankfurt.
Nothing much to be said about Oberwesel, in the middle of a winegrowing region, couple of old churches, town walls and that's about it. Maybe the Wine Witches will save the day. Yep a bit of granny totty, that'll do for Oberwesel.

During Wine Witch Night two dwarves
follow the witch around carrying
a dragon-shaped portapotty


Nuttie describes the wine witch's nether regions
after hiding inside the portapotty all night

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Wed Oct 18, 2017 6:09 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW8 1st
Hanging on to first place as ferociously as they hang on to the contents of their intestinal tracts, we have Avit and Pottster. This week our constipated couple have ended up in Idar-Oberstein, southwest of their main challenger.
"So tell us all about Idar-Oberstein", I don't hear you say. Gemstone centre, when the local mines dried up many left for Brazil in the early 19th century and still send gems back despite being dead for 150 years. No concrete technology in Idar-Oberstein Uni, it's gemstones all the way.
Local legend about someone who defenestrated his brother over a Bertha, caught remorse, built a church and snuffed it on the steps before it was consecrated - the usual shit. "Maybe you shouldn't have built it halfway up a fuckin' mountain then. Now fk off", said an irate St Peter.
Hold that result, Idar-Oberstein's only gone and been the birthplace of Hollywood knobend legend Bruce Willis.

Avit and Pottster discover that blocking the pub
toilets is frowned upon by the locals


Pottster pleads his case that he has an eating disorder
when it comes to fruit






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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby timmsy » Sat Oct 21, 2017 3:03 pm

Yorkie, trying to explain that he had no idea about
the Rock and Pop Museum's "No trainers" policy
[/quote]

tried same thing in York

thread is genius :titter:

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby Schlocky » Sun Oct 22, 2017 11:40 am


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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby Yorkshire Exile » Sun Oct 22, 2017 2:06 pm

timmsy wrote:Yorkie, trying to explain that he had no idea about
the Rock and Pop Museum's "No trainers" policy


tried same thing in York

thread is genius :titter:[/quote]

It was a ruse just to ensure they kept the oaps I was with out.

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Sun Oct 22, 2017 11:20 pm

OAP being Open Air Plums I guess?

Movin' on...

Tag Team Classic GW9
The Ringmasters, Crompton and Rinky, landed a massive 145 blows on their opponents this week to solidify their lead. They're now on 971pts and can afford to take a seat and wa...errr...towel each other off whilst the rest of the teams recover from the battering they've just taken.

There is one threat on the horizon though. The Pigeon Bobbers continue their climbs, both into the ring and contention, by moving up another place into second spot. They're 32pts behind Crompton and Rinky, but look the likeliest threat at this early stage - that's them fked :lol:

Dropping to third we have Yani and Timmsy with a disappointing 108 to leave them on 931. October hasn't been the best of months for this pair. Last week Yani lost his lowest score of the season lead to the unfancied Talcy, and this week Timmsy has lost his pacemaker spot in the highest score of the season chase, but more about that later.

In fourth place are the only other pair above 900 points, Talcy and Schlocky. After last week's disaster they've smashed their way back with the third highest total for the week to leave them on 928pts, just 11 points behind The Bobbers.

Sweep and Nuttie hold on to their fifth spot with a disappointing 101, but they'd better up their game next week as a contender has crawled out of the primordial slime of the grannies' laps at the ringside to threaten them.

Clammers and Feets are that evil-smelling, pish-stained duo. They were much aided by the latter's score of 90pts, a new individual high for the season. :clap2: They become the third team to hit the season-high of 146 points, a figure which is beginning to rival the speed of light in unbustability, and now sit just six points off fifth place.

Following last week's unexpected special mention for Talcy, FanFooty's Mr Consistency, Mintman, has broken back with his seventh score in the twenties. He's obviously sussed that this is his team's only chance of getting a regular mention as himself and Weeman are now 213pts behind the leaders after just nine weeks.

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Mon Oct 23, 2017 1:44 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW9
Gameweek 9 finds all our marchers in Germany, though many struggled to find a good direction to go with their high scores.
The field has now split into a leading pack of four, followed by five others who seem to be using compasses rejected by Amelia Earhart and Risk boards as maps.

Map used by Pigeon Bobbers during
the failed march to Vladivostok 2017
(used by kind permission of their estates)


But enough of this shit, it's time for other shit so let's see where our marchers have ended up this week.

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Mon Oct 23, 2017 4:47 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW9 9th
The second highest score of the week was enough to guarantee that Crompton and Rinky would finally escape the gravitational pull of Vid's socks, but their slingshot calculations left a lot to be desired. The duo headed northeast from Leuven and gained only 83km out of a possible 145 - nowhere near the worst progress this week, but it could have been so much better.
As it is, they've ended up in the town of Meerbusch. Quite why a German town should be named after an Israeli PM's pantie hamster is a mystery no one has wanted to explore, so let's see what other attractions lie hidden in the dried-up depths of Meerbusch.
Most income millionaires in North Rhine-Westphalia and home of Florian Schneider, founding member of Kraftwerk, a band who brought the art of pushing buttons to new heights. Meerbusch is twinned with Putinkok, Ukraine and Nicksonarse, Idaho. That's about it, this is as exciting as Meerbusch gets

Crompton and Rinky proudly show off
the home-made abacus they used
to calculate their heading


Five locals, one second before their response to
Crompton's offer to show them pics of his Belgian Bony

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Mon Oct 23, 2017 8:13 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW9 8th
Slarty and Viddleodge have arrived at their promised land. Thanks to the beneficence of the dunny deities they have followed their noses and crossed from Belgium into the country that gave the world scheisse movies. Don't expect these two to leave in a hurry, if at all.
Anyway, they're now in Eschweiler so let's see what awaits them this week, apart from the obvious.
Oh great, more than 20 active carnival clubs :doh: Artificial lake mit Teutonic Totty. Culinary specialities include potato fritters, so slarty will feel right at home. Strangely enough, wikipedia has the following under "Culinary Specialities", "Horse and horse by-products". Does this mean that equine equity members have muscled in on the speciality movie scene? :shock: Maybe it's a vegetarian option, I dunno.
Thyssen the steel man is the only renowned local, so our bowel-friendly, shit-for-brains brace will no doubt be on the look-out for both battered potatoes and battered women.

The friendly tourist guides are always
ready to greet new faces


Standards are high though. This shamed
ex-guide bears a sign saying, "I ate
sweetcorn before greeting a tourist"


The local hotel carefully marks the positions for
slarty and vid's pillows so they won't miss their
early morning alarm calls

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Mon Oct 23, 2017 10:05 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW9 7th
Clammers and Feets hit a week high of 146km enabling them to zoom past a surprised Pigeon Bobbers pair. Surprised, because Clammers and Feets were heading away from Athens (by 47km if you want to be precise). They've travelled NNE from Olpe to Bad Oeynhausen and are now our northernmost team.

What's Bad Oeynhausen got to offer that more southerly climes haven't? Well it's a spa town so there's hope there.

This is directly from Wikipedia so are you listening yani? "In 1745 a farmer named Sültemeyer was wondering about the salty crust on his pig's backs...". :shock: Anyway, to spoil some nice gossip, the king of Prussia ordered a saltworks built as a result, and today there's a pig-fountain in the town square (yani's great great grandad at 1:25).

Jordansprudel was first drilled in 1926 :shock: and has a capacity of 6000L/min. :WTF: Rumour has it, that it's a hot spring and nothing to do with the well-respected writer (apart from the capacity).

Despite their disappointing week, Clammers and Feets
put on a united front for the world's press


...though Clammers', "I've just pissed in his beer" smile
tells a different story

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby Yorkshire Exile » Mon Oct 23, 2017 11:10 am

Feets has been pre-occupied with taking hostages in his local bowling alley this weekend. :OFFS:

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Mon Oct 23, 2017 11:39 am

Tag Team Jarrow March GW9 6th
Despite me saying that Mintman and weeman were stranded in a sixth place no-man's-land last week, this pair did their utmost to fk up that statement and would have succeeded were it not for Clammers and Feets travelling backwards.
They now sit just 2km ahead of seventh place, having travelled a whole 10km closer to Athens - even Talcy and Schlocky gained more than that last week. :lol:
This contrary couple have travelled from Düren to Ennepetal, a backwater's backwater.
Ennepetal's biggest claim to fame is some nutter kidnapping kids (as you do) from a school bus in 2005. The only other thing of interest is a fuckin' cave. This place is so boring it has a highland games, but even I wouldn't inflict that shite on you coonts.
Here, have a video of the cave. Look it's either that, a fire, a house being demolished, or three minutes of fog.
This is Cambridgeshire and I can prove it. Even the Loughborough students won't go near this place in case they get their blood sucked out for rejuvenation therapy.

Weeman's fifth attempted escape from Ennepetal

Mintman discovered he had to shag a local before
being allowed to leave Ennepetal...he chose the dog

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Mon Oct 23, 2017 12:04 pm

Yorkshire Exile wrote:Feets has been pre-occupied with taking hostages in his local bowling alley this weekend. :OFFS:

He should do it more often if that's the scores you get.

:hmmm:

:hmmm:

If he had fired the gun, would he have been able to strike while the iron's hot? :horse2:

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slarty
Fan Footy Paul Henry
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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby slarty » Mon Oct 23, 2017 1:44 pm

Tag Team Jarrow March GW9 5th
And so we reach the final graduates from the Mark Thatcher School of Navigation. Moving up two places, mainly by default, are The Pigeon Bobbers. This week saw them bid a sad farewell to the party animals of Gronau and march onwards to Delbrück, which sounds like a character from the hit German comedy, Only Fools und Wassercourses.

Absolutely nothing is known about Delbrück apart from the fact it was destroyed by fire in 1410 during a conflict between the bishops of Paderborn and Cologne over buggering rights.

The Delbrück website did manage to attract my attention for five seconds when I found in its sport section a reference to Bogenschießen. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered it was archery. :cry1:

Hang on though, those coonts from Loughborough have discovered Delbrück (although they did run out of places to film after 30 seconds).

Sheffy and Yorkie relieve the tedium of Delbrück with
some improvised Bogenschießen, but had to provide
their own targets...


later that night..."Not now Sheffy FFS"

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Re: Tag Team 2017/2018

Postby Yorkshire Exile » Mon Oct 23, 2017 1:51 pm

:lol:

sheffys bald head and webbed feet perfectly captured


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